As I’m writing this, my tears blur my vision. Not from sadness or being upset, but at the simple thought of life and what life has brought to me.
Throughout my life, I’ve always imagined someone being on the other side of a two-way mirror following me. This follower would be a director who called the shots in my ever so dreary life. But what makes my life any less or even more depressing from yours? Nothing. I’ve diverged from my original thought, but the point is that this director has placed barriers to break and hold me back. This director is trying to win a god damned Oscar or some shit because the amount of death, love, and tragedy that has occurred in my short existence is painfully suffocating. From the moment I said my first words to the moment I first fell in love, life has been torturous. A father dying is not comparable to falling out of love, but the pain echoes on and on. Although the echoes delve deep into the caves of my mind, happiness seems to climb its way out of the darkness. Even if the amount of darkness in one’s life outcompetes a flicker of light, you can still see the light in all that darkness. If anything, the flickering light is beautiful. A rare sight to behold. Although happiness rarely comes, it is an intoxicating emotion. To me, love and happiness are one in the same. To be happy is to love that point in your existence. To be content with the chaos that may encircle your flickering light. At this point of my existence, I’ve lived many different lives. The director of my life must love torturing me at sudden and unexpected moments because pain and suffering comes out of nowhere. I guess that’s the best way. But every now and then, the director decides to throw in something that’ll put a smile on my heart.
The newest addition to the chapters of my book called ‘The Life of Joshua: A Comedy’ includes a new love interest. And by the sun, she is the goddess Venus. She is my sun. She is my flicker of light in the cold, darkness of my existence. The corona to the starshine. How the fuck do I describe her by using words? To use words and letters and concepts of this mortal realm would do her injustice. So I’ll stop here, and let you know she is the void. She is oblivion, oblivious to the fact that I’m in love with the universe in her eyes. She is the absence of everything. She encompasses everything at the same human concept of space-time. Around her, time doesn’t exist. My love for her at the moment is timeless, ever expanding with no boundaries to leash it. I haven’t felt in months. But lately, with her. I feel life again.