woman women womyn

to the first.
i was anything but a friend.
i took your innocence and your pride.
when i cheated, a part of you died.
when i wanted to leave you, to allow us to grow as individuals, not as a duo, you wanted me to stay to help me become a better man.
well, thanks to you i am a better man.
but i can’t live with myself.
i can’t die by myself.
you are my biggest regret.
not because i regret being with you, i regret ever wronging you.
ever dating you, because if you haven’t figured out by now,
i was even worse than i am now.
if i could go back and change it,
i wouldn’t because i would just hurt someone else.
i’m sorry you had to be a trial run.

to the second.
i took you away and swept you off your feet.
i brushed you into the dustpan and pushed you into the trash that is my love.
actually, i treated you well. but you lied once, and i could never forgive you.
oh how, karma strikes when we least expect it.
cheat on me, you should have.
you were temporary just as that chapter in my life was.
but i decided to start another book midway and wanted to be alone.
at the time, i couldn’t deal with a co-author.
i’m sorry i did not give the rest of our story a chance.

to the third.
i adored you like the sun adores the void.
but i was no savior that could have rebuilt a world that had already been destroyed.
i was your ‘one’.
but a black hole flew in and sling-shotted the sun, I.
your eyes were empty and i could not make them full.
i would take you back later when you fortified your foundations.
i did not want to become your sun.
i wanted to be your moon.
there when you needed me, not the celestial body that determined your existence.
yes i loved you.
but i was not in love.
because i could not love a world that did not love itself as much as it loved I.
i’m sorry i couldn’t be your universe.

to the fourth.
i fell in love with you.
you were the one who stole my heart.
something no one could do before. you surprised me.
there wasn’t much to love now that i look at it.
you were medusa, getting me rock solid.
we fucked to keep up the relationship.
our happy moments were make up sex.
our conversations were blank stares and wondering what to say.
but i could never stay away.
you were heroin.
i injected you into my heart itself.
i thought we would get married.
until you began to abuse me.
mentally, emotionally, and even physically.
so i had to let go, but i was the one who fell into the pit.
i’m sorry, but i’m not sorry for saying i can’t take this shit.

by the way it seems,
i’ve gotten my due karma.

to the fifth.
you were my dream girl. i fell in love the moment i took that beer from your fridge.
you were art. you were music. you were poetry. you were the love of my infinity.
you were beyond it.
we never ran out of things to say, until i did.
until you didn’t receive the attention you desired.
until you grew bored.
until you grew tired of fiddling with my buried sword.
Queen Aretha. You were my gospel.
You were my goddess. I revolved around you. You were my universe.
You were music in human form.
Staring into your eyes was my favorite thing to do.
I was in love with you.
But now I am indifferent, but I blame myself for you growing bored.
I still don’t know why we ended. We seemed perfect for one another.
We were in love with each other.
You ignore my messages, you ignore my existence.
I am dark matter.
I’m still here.
But you can’t see me.
If you ever wanted to, you could look a little harder.
But.
I know you won’t come looking for me.
I’m sorry.

to the future.
i’m not looking for perfect.
perfect is overrated.
i’m looking for damaged but patched.
i’m looking for space but with a closed spaceship latch.
i’m looking for the right ingredients to build this love from scratch.
but i’m not looking at the moment.
for i am indifferent to my current state.
as fluid as liquid, escaping as a gas, and solid as slow atoms.
i’ve met another girl.
she’s a gem.
but all it is, is pretend.
false outcomes
as i come.
we’re all just flesh in the end.
love,
don’t give yourself to me again.

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